My Weekend ...
well friday night had a soccer game at which i sucked major ass at 1 beer and went home.. alone
saturday woke up early which was impressive, went to the eye doctor and was proud of myself for leaving my bed, but then i spent 285 bucks on the exam and contacts then an addtional 80 bucks at urban outfitters on two sweaters that were on sale and i really needed so im not that upset about … BUT THEN i had so many plans for the day and ended up just sleeping for forever. i had two bday parties and a show at williamsburg music hall i was supposed to go to but ended up sleeping through and sending depressing, lying text messages to people saying i was sick and couldn’t make it ….. im pathetic … oh and i had poptarts for breakfast lunch and dinner
sunday was filled with anxious nerves as i knew joey would come by to watch a movie with me later that night … finally at 5pm i tell myself to stop spending 50 dollars a fucking weekend on a god damn forsaken app game called jelly blast and BE A FUCKING HUMAN BEING so I go to take a shower … a very hot shower which was amazing. I shaved … even my pussy just in case joey has a moment of weakness later that night … but then I blow my nose into my hand as I usually do especially in the winter when im full of disgusting mucus … AND IT WAS LITERALLY NEON GREEN like not “you’re contagious yellow” it was fucking neon green … like BRAINS green. Then all of a sudden I became really light headed and felt like puking. I struggled to turn the shower off. Stepped outside the tub to sit on the edge. Lifted the toilet seat to puke but then found myself sprawled out on the floor between my bathroom and kitchen …. I was sweating all over my body and realized I might poop myself but I couldn’t move. I wanted my phone. I wanted to call joey I wanted to call the ambulance. I thought I was dying but then finally I came to and realized I probably was dehydrated because I had been couped up in my apartment that has a terroristic radiator for the last two days with only having 1 cup of tea and 1 cup of fruit juice. My brain keeps saying just lay down it will pass it will be ok you just need to poop and drink some water and relax for a bit. So I did and then all of a sudden I was back to life. So I began cleaning my whole apartment top to bottom to impress joey. He rang my buzzer just as I straightened my last strand of hair. We watched this crazy awesome creepy movie … Goodnight Mommy. Highly recommend. I ordered dinner. We flirted and he would get close to me and then move away. He started to get ready to go home and in my head I was like good … I can play more of that stupid fucking game … but my heart was like please don’t go … which my lips and voice conveyed. He denied me. I said well you used to stay over all the time in which he responded “yeah when we were dating. we’re just friends remember”. This comes just a week after he told me he loved me.
I somberly closed the door saying goodbye. Played my game and tinder until 1am and then somehow crawled out of bed without taking a shower… because why the fuck would I take a shower when I know no one will be home for me when I get there … and somehow appeared at work.
Ever since being here … I question every word I write, every send I press, every word I say. I continuously feel paranoid, excluded and unwanted here.
But then again I can’t tell if it’s all in my incredibly depressed mind or if it’s valid.
I think I’ve hit rock bottom and I need to go to a srink immediately.
My horoscope said I have until the 15th to find true love. This is like my last chance until forever from now to have a shot at finding someone. Yet all I do is play this fucking game and lay in bed all weekend. This has been happening for months now, like 6+ months. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t tell if I’m afraid I’ll die if I leave my apartment, if I’m scared I actually will find my true love and what the fuck that will do to me, or what the fuck my deal is ….
I watched a show this weekend about meth addicts and they talked about how the only thing that would get them out of bed was meth …. I’m considering this.
They also had about 5 kids who were all screaming or making noise of some sort and I had no idea how they dealt with this but they actually were nice parents. I would have literally killed them. Perhaps all my dreams of a beautiful marriage and family are a figment of my imagination and I’m alone because I’m meant to be alone … because I would probably kill someone if they ever got too close to me.
Joey’s scared I’ll kill him. He mentions it about every time we hang out. He should be afraid. The first time I had my palm read the woman told me that my true love would end abruptly and then she looks up at me and says I will be “involved” in their death.
Life am I right?
I’m happy to have you two in my life though. I’m happy to have you read all my depressing shit knowing you won’t judge me like everyone else around me. It means a lot and I love you both.